I discovered that the self within me often felt fixed even though my inner being was anything but. For many years, that self in me seemed to shape my personality, preferences and sense of identity, offering me a feeling of security. I would however, come to realise that this feeling was fleeting. In different ways, many of us come to know the tension between who we think we are and who we are still becoming.
I had to Lose Myself to Find Myself
What I didn’t realise was how much the self precluded me from trying anything new. For instance, ever since my younger days, I have enjoyed listening to Grunge music. From Nirvana to Pearl Jam and anything in between, I have always felt a special connection to this sound.
It therefore surprised me a couple of years ago whilst tuning my radio that I landed on the Classical station by mistake. When I went for the dial to change stations, something stopped me. Danse Macabre was playing. I sat down, mesmerised.
As I listened further, I felt a deep appreciation emerging within me for a genre of music I had once considered stuffy. In that moment, I was reminded of how easy it can be to dismiss the unfamiliar and how pleasantly surprising it can be when we are open to it.
Letting the Larger Part of Me Lead
With this openness to the unfamiliar came an increasing awareness of receptivity. This receptivity indicated something infinitely bigger than the self in me and that was source energy. I came to understand this source energy in a way that felt personal to me. Some might call it higher consciousness, others may call it God. Whatever interpretations we choose, we just know that it comes from a place which is deeper than the ego.
The larger part of me acted as a catalyst. Instead of relying on my thoughts, I began to surrender to being guided intuitively. As a result, my heart was now becoming my barometer and not my head. It served as an indicator as to whether I was heading in the right direction. Nonetheless, I hadn’t arrived at this point in my life easily.
Several years ago, I had my handwriting analysed by a friend’s mother. She deduced that I lead with my head. I can remember at the time feeling piqued by her analysis. There was a sense of being perceived as cold and inhuman rather than (as I saw it) applying logic to make decisions.
The truth is that she had awakened something within me and that something was my heart. I had once thought of the heart as pertaining to mostly romantic or emotional situations. It never occurred to me that its influence could extend far beyond those circumstances.
Most of us are taught to trust logic when faced with decisions when it is our inner sense of truth which holds the highest wisdom. My head led approach I discovered, came from a need for control. Although control can lend itself well to some situations, I came to see how it was stymieing my emotions and creativity.
Letting the heart or the larger part of me lead therefore, was essential for growth.